The cats, Lauren decided, were becoming a problem.It had all started with a pregnant stray. All big belly, wide mouth and jutting back bone. It had hovered in true Slinky Malinky fashion around the house, ready to dart away like a black and white streak of lightning at the first imagined hint of danger. Lauren had taken pity on such a miserable looking specimen. Without checking for hex signs she had begun to leave food for the expectant mother in safe places. Now she was reaping the rewards of her generosity. The mother cat had apparently been a full fledged witch breed, looking for a warm, safe nest in which to dump her off spring. Lauren came home from work one day to find seven kittens tearing up the curtains, a binding spell ingrained on the door and a note from the mother cat reading, “So long and thanks for all the fish.” Lauren had cursed quietly to herself and gone to find something that could be used as a litter tray. If the problem had stayed at seven cats magically bound to her home, there probably still would not have been much of an issue. Seven cats and a single woman can certainly be considered eccentric, but was hardly the end of the world. But no. The seven kittens tearing up your living room today are the elders of a sprawling, incestuous clan tomorrow. In less time than she would have believed possible, Lauren was sharing her house with a tribe of over one hundred. Cats were everywhere! Every cupboard opened, every drawer pulled cats would tumble out or stay and stare with the gaze of a homicidal maniac. They had to be chased out of the oven and shoved out of the way when carrying groceries. Lauren tried to keep them out of her bedroom, but witch breed cats are notoriously cunning for opening doors. Every morning, Lauren woke up to find herself pinned on all sides by a mass of furry bodies. In times of fright there would be a mad scramble for something high or something to hide under. The floor would almost look to be moving. All Lauren’s spare cash (and some not so spare) was going on cat food but even that could be lived with. The problem was Lauren was beginning to suspect that the cats were plotting against her. It began with an increase in the number of leg twining at the top of the stairs. They would try to trip her while half asleep and on a bathroom run. She would wake up in the night with a cat sprawled across her face or throat and a mouthful of fur. Most damning of all was finding a pentagram under the bed and a hastily concealed whiteboard headed up ‘Brain Storm Session. Ways to subtly kill a human.’ Lauren decided it was time to speak with the leader.
Moggio Moggio Charles Sleek-of-Coat Father-of-Many Spray-Where-I-Like Heavy-of-Paw King Tom Cat. (The third) As far as Lauren could tell, Moggio was a great, great grandson of the original con artist. To her, reclining on the bed in the spare room, he looked like Jabba the Hutt with fur and a twitchy tail. Select members of his family filled the room. They perched on the dresser and the bookcase. Lauren began to feel like a mouse in the long grass. “You brought cat treats. I smell cat treats. I want cat treats,” Moggio demanded. Lauren had long ago learnt to bring food when making an audience. She opened the bag she had brought with her, the cats perking up their ears and looking alert at the sound of the plastic crackling. She held a handful of the pink, heart shaped treats out to Moggio then wiped the drool on her jeans when he was done. “You know that if you kill me the treats will stop,” she warned. Moggio yawned. “All same. Don’t care. Human hunt more fun than mice. More fun than cat treats. “All the same?” Lauren said angrily. “This is MY HOUSE! I’m not here for you to hunt!” Moggio flexed his claws and looked at her with unblinking eyes. “Our ancestral home, now, this is. Many generations. If you do not wish to be hunted, you may leave. We will not.” Lauren drew a deep breath. “Is that your final word?” The cat settled back into his pillows. “It is.” As Lauren turned and stormed out of the room he called after her, “Leave the treats?”
Lauren surfed the internet at work. The computer at home was no longer safe with so many eyes watching all the time. There was a quiet tension in the air at home and Lauren knew that she was running out of time. Finally, she thought she had found what she was looking for. “Got Cat Troubles?? Use CAT BOMB and Never See Another Feline Near Your Domicile EVER!!!!! Guaranteed to work IN SPITE OF binding spells!! What’s in it?? YOU DON’T WANT TO KNOW!! Pay by CREDIT CARD NOW!!!! (no pickups available) Three days later Lauren stood at the foot of her steps with a cylinder the size of a fly spray can in her hands. Slowly she began to walk upwards, one step at a time. Cats dozing on the porch lifted their heads lazily to watch her pass. “Shake well,” said the instructions. Lauren shook and slowly opened the ranch slider. “Depress button on top of canister.” Lauren depressed. The can began to make an ominous hissing noise. The watching cats tensed. Some hissed back. “Throw into affected area and RUN.” Lauren ran.
When it began to get dark, Lauren made her way cautiously back to the house. Not a cat in sight. Nothing but a lingering odor on the air. A careful look into the spare room told her that Moggio and his court had disappeared. Books and ornaments had been knocked off shelves and pictures were hanging crookedly. Puzzled, Lauren made her way into the living room and stopped with a gasp. Watching her from on top of the tv was a dragon. A bright green dragon. The size of a Labrador. Its belly looked uncomfortably distended and there were traces what looked like cat fur around its jaw. Wings rustled as it stretched out its long neck to sniff the air. “Is you more food?” it hissed. “Not me!” Lauren hastened to assure it. “I’m sure there are plenty of other things to eat around the place. Do you like cat food?” she asked hopefully. The dragon sighed and looked out the window. “What food is out there?” Lauren thought for a minute. “Well, there are dogs and the like. Plenty more cats too. I’ve kind of gone off cats.” The dragon nodded and seemed satisfied. When Lauren gingerly sat on the couch and reached for the remote, the dragon leapt off the tv and crawled up to sit beside her. It laid its head in her lap and when she scratched it behind the ears it began to purr.
It's absolutely hilarious, I laughed my head off reading the whole thing twice. Wonderful style and humour. Thank you very much for the very entertaining time I had.
